Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, that's a lovely reply post that I'm working on a reply, takes me ages, thanks for caring 💐

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member @  thank you for taking an interest as I'm feeling quite down today (unknown trigger) so it's nice, and you put so much of yourself into your posts - I worry for you.

Some issues are impossible to comment on, and these days I've mellowed and my expectations are more realistic in that regard... so don't worrying, we're good.  

Two of my brothers have diagnised paranoid schizophrenia & substance abuse issues. For many years now, with relapses and hospitalisations and CTOs. They lack insight and feel victimised by the system rather than work with it. I try treat them as normal but it hurts. I've finally concluded there's nothing  i can say or do to help. How arrogant if me to think I could make a difference. Even showing them I care gets twisted by the delusions and I keep getting hurt and I'm so burnetout by it. A self fulfilling prophecy for them in the sense that it's become a survival thing for me to stay away now, considering blocking emails too. I don't know. I left town to distance from it and God knows they don't give a sh#t about me. I Ionly posted this (the less delusional of his distress) to see if there was support here. Others fill the gaps here, depending  on life experience, @Appleblossomcomes from an equally disfunctional family - actually worse, so I really appreciate it when she shares it. 

None of us has to be all-things-to-all-people here. Complex MI needs professionals... it just adds to EOR's gloom :face_with_rolling_eyes: and it helps to share and you have much empathy and so good at writing. I'm touched when someone here talks to me in such  depth now and then. Thank you. 

But 

hope you are not being pressured or take too much on. You have so much on your plate already. 

I'm thinking maybe online forums and I have a personality clash / incompatibility, in the sense that shallows replays, or even none make me feel rejected 😟😢😞... which I can't seem to detach from, every hurts. And i don't handle rejection well, the brain goes in overdrive... can't stop it... feelings become intense and one small incident finishes me for days, sometimes even when others have no clue...  too much loss on board already I guess. Just typing it hurts.

Thanks for remembering my tummy upset. Still squirmy and I saw Dr and have booked abdo U/S next week. She thinks gallbladder so we'll see. I haven't eaten today but that's probably a good thing. @Sans911 might be interested to know that, she was really caring about it too (hi Sans, hope you're ok 💐). 

With selling the car, yes, I did thetransfer paperwork at RMS ✓ (just as well 'cause cops are looking for a white van after a hit+run in town that same night :face_with_rolling_eyes:. And I banked all that cash ✓ 😮 (it wasn't counterfeit lol). It is a relief to  no longer worry about 2nd car, and it's expense. 

Money went back in the bank for future housing and pending removal costs. But I did celebrate with a drive and fish+chips (which is probably what's upset my gallbladder come to think of it :face_with_rolling_eyes: oh well). I

I do want to move closer to my son soon, see him more. Not that he needs me round, just maybe something good can come from that... make up for years absent in grief and caring for my parents. 

Oh, good news, my son's on cloud 9 atm having just been put on permanent in one of his big contract firms. Its nice when they're doing well. @Faith-and-Hope knows what I mean 💗 (thinking of you F&H especially when Greek Odessy TV program comes on - like atm... so many islands, and historic villages... Papos today. Is Greek coffee good?)

Anyway Sherry, I feel like we've been sitting chatting over my cuppa this morning. Thanks again 💙💙💙

[Former-Member]

Lovely post @Former-Member .. and thank you so much.  🤗🌺

Wanted you to know I have read it, but unable to respond at this stage. I will though, when I can.  

Much love to you.

Sherry 💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

Greek coffee is strong @Former-Member, and like any other type of coffee it can be bitter according to brand, but you add sugar to it.  It's condensed, served in tea-set sized cups, and it's one teaspoon of coffee and one teaspoon of sugar to each one .... then you can only drink half of it because it develops a sludge on the bottom of the cup that gets tipped out afterwards .....

Think of it like rocket fuel 😉

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Former-Member 

I just checked to see if @Zoe7  had signed in today - I read your message last night - I did not realise there were two threads for "Am not Coping" and "Not Coping" so thanks for setting me straight on that

And Zoe - you are very much loved here and greatly missed and I hope you are okay and maybe just dealing with school going back or taking time for self-care - thinking of you

Dec

[Appleblossom]

I am glad you responded and did not take my post as insufficient empathy or compassion @Former-Member 

It helped that others got involved, I did not want to leave @outlander alone with your "sharing", as she is young, in the conversation, tho it is a testament to her genuineness that you were able to share, such deep, heartrending family communications. I wanted you to feel heard in some small way. I feel the same about shallowness and depth in communication, but also do not want to diss goodwill, from those who cannot know what it is like.  I also worry if I have over shared ... oh where is the right line in it all ....?? I did not want to minimise what it is like for a sister to receive that kind of communication.  I have stood at the receiving end of similar from so many family members and ex husband.  Helpless, doing ALL I could to help, but usually things were too big and it took decades of living and looking back to even understand how BIG it was. 

YES, I agree, there is a definite role for professionals.  I would not have survived without some good interventions. 

I did want to see you and your brother as simply people juggling life's journeys and not over pathologise anybody.  SO I did see a small aspect of ... just ... keeping in touch sis.  EOR it is not arrogant to think you can make a difference in your siblings lives.  We are often wired as women to be more caring.  I also see family isolation and a range of migration issues as part of the problem.  Without well established connections it is difficult. As no man is an Island, no family should be an island, either.  If it is an island, then connections should be made without blame and stigma.

I am upset reading the news of a few tragedies atm.  I am alive, so I try and understand and improve things. 

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom  💙💙💙

[Appleblossom]

Will come back and check your pic @Former-Member 

We were both also working as part of the system, so could see it was aimed at doing the right thing, and that workers within it are human, so mistakes can be made.  Maybe that is why we also got caught in role of justifying system to family.  I still have that conversation with my son.  Though he is distinguishing what is his genuine entitlement, and what he does not need.  In some ways he is in more delicate position, than your son.  I am glad your son is doing well.   MIne is doing better.

It can also get tricky if we compare too closely.  This is why I keep raising the concept of trauma load.  I think it is key to helping services deliver.

Just Hugs 

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope - now I understand why they have those tiny little coffee mugs 🙂 Are you ok? Must be hard for you since you embraced WH culture so well. Guess your Kidz make it worth the sacrifice 💐

[Former-Member]

@Appleblossom, that shooting in Melbourne and Minneapolis riots are awful. Did U know the person in Melbourne? Now they're saying he had MI. The new can be distressing. With the MH system, I think K the human race still has a long way to go to understand the human psyche, a LONG way. Wish they'd stop supporting pharmaceuticals as a priority, for starters. Community is the answer I thing. <br>"TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD" so it stands to reason that it would "TAKE A VILLAGE TO REVERSE THE DAMAGE" not a 9 to 5 system. I'm thinking it's over for my brother's, and for me, I've tried everything and just came do it alone anymore. Visualising myself walking aimlessly into the snow actually... hypothermia and all. My brain / thoughts are not helpful. Maybe there IS an argument for chemical lobotomy, to stop thinking. . Don't get me wrong, I'm not distressed or anything, they're just thoughts nowadays, mostly, not compulsions. When intense enough to compel - I know to reach out. Body intelligence to survive usually kicks in. Think maybe I'm just lucid today - enough to realising how they lied in saying there is a place in the world for me after a breakdown. That's why I scratched back ground, but for what? I'm invisible. I've done a full circle to face that mountain again. People simply don't forgive someone for trying to top themselves. Certainly not my family. They can't see past it, that I'm made up of so much more, and fought so hard to get out of that hole those few times, every few years... Bottom line, it's scared people away, i hate myself and they cant stand me. It just seems I'm waiting to die. Not that I don't do projects at home etc and pray and Pat my dog... but I just can't do it alone anymore, yet I just can't stand being around strangers and professional / blow-in relationships that always leave you. Turning into a recluse cause it Actually tortures me.... messes with my head being around people, and the uncontrollable overthinking that engulfs me for days after an encounter... Exhausting... like this last few days after the dr... and x-ray.
But I'm fine, honest. Safe and warm and fed .. true.

Have a Psychologist telehealth apt tomorrow... hope I can articulate this stuff to her and not hide that part of me away when it matters.. Its easier to write it than speak it nowadays but they won't wanna read my writings, they prefer us to speak it. Anyway, im good, hope you are. Just gotta keep trying to survive 'cause God keeps our heart beating (why I don't know :face_with_rolling_eyes:)