Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

Good evening @AuntGlow

Work was okay. It was a lot of computer work, a lot of planning and some professional learning. It was nice to have today to get semi organised for the students return tomorrow. 

I was wondering, do you have time for a couple of questions? Things that I've been thinking about for a couple of days? 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth I am sure getting organised will alleviate some stress! 🥳 Did you get to chat with anyone at school/have some social time?

Yes - I do! Go ahead. 

[MissinTooth]

A little @AuntGlow I realised today that I was glad to see one of the people I work with. I think I missed her company over the holidays. She's the Teacher's Assistant in my room, so I spend 5 days a week at work with her. 

So...I don't know if you read, but I had my first psych appointment on Friday. I learnt a lot, but the experience was so so hard and I think it triggered a lot. I spent Saturday on the couch just soso low and I haven't slept for longer than a couple of hours a night for three nights since. I've had some SI each day since too. 

The psych though...he went in hard, and he said some things that...I felt like I was hit hard with the truth stick, but it felt like it was too hard. If that makes sense? I learnt a lot, and will take that away with me and I will continue to try the journalling strategy he gave me. 

But I don't want to see him again...

I felt...I felt judged at times. I felt like...like I was too complex, too hard, and a bit like...he didn't know what to do with me. 

At one stage he told me that I was at my level of tolerance, but then...that he thinks I should be pushing my tolerance by exposing myself to things that trigger my anxiety. He said it was weird that when  I go to supermarkets or shopping centres, I feel so distant and disconnected from others because he goes to those places to feel connected. He told me that with my internal triggers and my external triggers...it's going to be hard to work with.

I felt judged when he told me it seemed as if my main strategy was avoidance and distraction - and I can't deny that, but...sometimes that's all I have to keep myself safe. And now, I hate that I'm questioning whether I should be doing those things...those things that are in my safety plan?

So, today, I emailed and asked to be taken off his client list, so that I can book with someone else - and his voice in my head is telling me that I'm just proving him right - I'm avoiding again? 

I feel like...I need someone with a more empathetic, slower, gentler approach? But don't know if I've done the right thing? Or if I am just avoiding? 

I was wondering if you experienced anything similar? 

Tagging @tyme too because multiple perspectives are good and tyme was around for the repercussions of that appointment. 

[tyme]

To be honest @MissinTooth , I say go with your gut. If you didn't feel comfy at all, it may be an option to book someone else. Sometimes, you just know if you should persist with someone or not.

I vaguely remember you mentioning that he said/hinted that maybe you were beyond his current expertise - is that right? I apologise in advance if I've got it wrong. Only because, if he did hint this, then maybe he feels he really doesn't have the skillset to meet your needs - it is NOT because you are too complex.

I'm just putting it out in advance that it is my pet hate when I hear people say they've been told they are 'treatment resistant'. I find that this takes away all hope. So I really hope that's not what you felt from this one appointment.

Also, the point about distraction/avoidance, I personally believe that there is a place for it, but it can't be the only strategy. The longer you use only avoidance strats, the less likely you can do the therapeutic work - that how I see it. Only because it's from my own experience. I spent most of my life avoiding things. Only when I started learning to 'sit with unpleasantness' did things finally shift.

And sitting with unpleasantness isn't easy at all. It is so unnatural to do. Our whole lives, we spend pushing away things that are unpleasant, and suddenly, we are told to sit with it??? Sounds absurd! But that's precisely it... sitting with unpleasantness and being okay with it.

Sitting with you. We will support you with whatever you decide.

[MissinTooth]

@tyme he hinted at it yes and it did make me feel a little bit like that. He spent a lot of time trying to tell me that he thinks that meds aren't going to work for me either - he even gave me the percentage of people they don't work for and told me they could be making me feel worse and that he was concerned about that. On top of feeling like I was too complex...

I know that I can't stay with avoidance strategies...but until I have something else...I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself all weekend because I was questioning all of the strategies that I do have...and I ended up doing all the unhelpful coping strategies in my repertoir instead. 

I don't know if I'm making sense...still kinda emotional about it. 

@AuntGlow 

[AuntGlow]

Oh, that's really lovely! I wonder if this is a connection you can continue to nurture? @MissinTooth 

Okay, firstly, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I can imagine that this session would have been extremely triggering for you... and some of the things he said - ow. 😣

I can really see that you are needing safe, slow, and sensitive as your supportive pillars. And if he doesn't feel that way for you, that's OKAY. You tried, you challenged, you put yourself out there and tried something new - how's that for building up your tolerance? 💪😉

You're allowed to say goodbye and look for a different psychologist... perhaps someone more feminine, as I am sensing this would feel better for you?

When you're working with trauma, triggers, and exposures like he mentioned, you really do need someone who facilitates safety for you. 

So, yes - I have had this happen before. I saw a guy who seemed really wonderful for EMDR therapy, and he said some things that placed a sense of shame upon my experience (he wasn't very nuanced in his reflections). Anyway, I decided he wasn't right and went to a clinic where I could explore a 'matching session'. I told the matching psychologist all of the basics and what I was needing, then she matched me with the first psychologist I told everything to in the first few sessions - all of the uncomfortable stuff I didn't want to share before. I really, really recommend this process. Please try to stay hopeful. This is just information guiding you closer to what is meant for you. 💛💛💛

[tyme]

Absolutely @MissinTooth ! I'm a firm believer that you can't take a strategy off someone until you have taught them something to replace it. So yes, you are right.

I really feel going with your gut. 

Is there an option to see someone else at that clinic?

[MissinTooth]

Hopefully it is something I can continue to nurture @AuntGlow I don't have many friends, so it would be nice to maybe make another. 

I think...I would feel more comfortable around someone more feminine. And I've tried hard and fast in a life coach type person, and ended up being so re-traumatised that I had massive panic attacks that left me curled up on the floor. If I'm honest,  I'm terrified of those attacks. I even hyperventilate during them. I don't want that to happen again...ever. 

So maybe I'm being overly cautious but...I don't want to see him again. And I don't want that to feel wrong. 

@tyme 

[MissinTooth]

@tyme there is the option to book with someone else, yes. And I've started that process. I've had myself removed from his client list so I can book and try again with someone new. 

Thank you for your support and advice. 

[AuntGlow]

I am looking forward to hearing more about this friendship and how it evolves. 💕 @MissinTooth 

You deserve to feel safe with the people you seek support from. There will be moments of discomfort, of course, but we want your body to be able to say 'yes, this feels okay to explore'. 

As for your safety plan, I think it is absolutely vital, so we aren't abandoning that at all!! What can we do from your plan to create a sense of comfort and soothing this evening? 🌛✨