How to encourage spouse to get help? It's ruining my life

[Former-Member]

I don't know @Determined, have not heard from the mods.

I hope you and @FiniteEnergy did not find the article offensive, certainly was not my intention @FiniteEnergy and @Determined and apologize if you found it that way.

To me the article highlighted the need for stamina in setting and maintaining boundaries.

Take care
Darcy

[Former-Member]

Sorry @patientpatient
Got mixed up as Determined had posted too. Hope you were not offended either.

[patientpatient]

Hi @Former-Member, I thought it was a very interesting article. Very direct and non-offensive in my book. Perhaps the issue was that there's no diagnosis, however @FiniteEnergy did mention BPD in an earlier post. 

[Determined]

Good morning @Former-Member and thankyou 

Far from offensive, the article was just what I needed at the moment. So many points in there painfully accurate about me an my background. (Particularly modelling my response behavior on my Dads). It gives me some more clarity and resolve around the planned path ahead. 

[FiniteEnergy]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies and concern. I'll reply to you all one by one.

@patientpatient

Thanks for the link. I'm aware that the situation is abusive - that's why I'm trying to get her help, and get myself looked after too. I think the abusive nature of the situation revolves around her fears of being abandonded and consequent outbursts and attempts to control everything. As such, she's receiving the benefit of the doubt at this point in time. If after help I'm still in this situation, my patience with this will run out.

@Former-Member

I can't see the article you are referring to. Could you re-post it? Also, what is 'MI'. My background is medical, so all I'm reading is 'myocardial infarction', which while I stometimes feel like I'm at risk of having, I so far have not suffered.

So here's the general update:

I've got some good news. I've secured a new job, a very good job, at my university campus. While my wife does not respect boundaries relating to research, she does relating to my paid work. This job requires me to have a solid 30 hours a week in the workplace (in the neighbouring town as I have said before), which gives me some space and also calms down money pressures. My supervisor has agreed to let me go part time on my research too so that deadline pressure is lessened. Further, I've actually made some good research progress this week, and it feels good. As it happens, the job is supportive of my research intersts and I can use some of my work time on my research.

I've also managed to get into my university's psychology clinic. This means I'll be able to get help working on strategies, and I can do so during time where boundaries will be respected. I can go to the psych during work hours, and not be pestered with messages the whole time.

Also, I've tried to ease my wife into talking about a few things in a soothing way. Trying to make her feel better about talking, and understanding that I'm trying to help her, and not accuse her of anything or pick on her shortcomings. She's been going through a period of thinking she has no friends (despite having many), and we talked about why she feels like that. It turns out that she really expects her friends to be more-or-less perfect - to never reply to a message late, to never refuse an invitation from her in preference for one from another friend etc. We talked about this, and I suggested that the issue might be her expectations - that friends like that don't really exist. People can love you and care about you, without being perfect, and if they do something that you interpret as a slight, it probably had nothing to do with you - they were just busy, or thinking about something else. She became a bit reflective after this, and said that she thinks she wants everyone to love her because she felt so alone when she was little. It's not a lot of progress, but it's something.

[Former-Member]

@FiniteEnergy

Great news that you have been able to get some help.

MI = mental illness

I did not hear from the moderators about my post but it must have breached guidelines or upset someone as the post was removed so do not want to repost.

When researching information for myself I googled the condition i.e. "bipolar" or "schizophrenia" etc and "relationships" if you wish to do this for yourself you might come across the article. Irrespective of whether or not you fund the specific article, you should find good relationship advice.

All the best

Darcy

[Former-Member]

@FiniteEnergy @Determined did you see this in the What's new tab?


https://saneforums.org/t5/What-s-new-services-research/Private-Mental-Health-Consumer-Carer-Network-...

[Determined]

Saw that thankyou @Former-Member and completed.

Sent the individual link to my darling and supprisingly she completed it also. 

[Former-Member]

Should have known you would be onto this @Determined

[FiniteEnergy]

@Former-Member

Thank you for the survey link, though on looking at the questions I don't think my responses would be valid as my wife has never received a proper diagnosis. She refuses to talk to a psychologist or doctor, as she doesn't think she has any issues.