Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

@Powderfinger I want to apologise for not getting back to you on here. I wasn't in angreat place and just couldn't respond, I'm sorry. How are you going these days? Really sounded like you weren't coping well, and I feel terrible I couldn't get back to you. Did you end up taking time for yourself and hide away for a while? I really hope you are well.

I never did fill out that form... Never got around to it. My partner did leave, again, so just been dealing with that and adjusting to life. It's a weird time. Been very preoccupied with all the present day shit that I haven't had time to deal with the past really, not for a while. Maybe that's part of why I've been feeling so down lately? Well obviously yeah, relationship being in the shit*er isn't great either. Anyway, I wanted to check in with you guys and see how things have been going for all of you 

[BlueBay]

I've just been thinking that I have a lot of  childhood trauma work to still do.  A lot of 'inner child' to go through.

But - I am SCARED of what i will open up 😞 😞

Do i keep it closed up and never go there or do i try???

its scary, overwhelming - i don't know if i can go there - but then will i ever recover if i don't??

so many questions i need to answer .....

@BPDSurvivor @Eve7 @Owlunar @Shaz51 and others reading 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @BlueBay ,

 Trauma requires a lot of skill to handle.

Until you are more steady, I think it's a good idea to wait. However, I definitely believe it is something that needs to be stepped through with a very skilled therapist.

It must be something you are ready and wanting to tackle. As steady as I currently am, I have not yet tackled my childhood trauma. I am working towards this.

The rationale for needing to tackle the trauma is that currently, it's like trying not to think of the very thing you think about. In other words, it's always there and at any moment it can be triggered and resurface. I don't want to live the rest of my life like that. I want to bring it out and say it was not pleasant, it was traumatic, and I'm ready to accept that it has happened (not saying it was right) so that I can move on. Otherwise I'll always be thinking, "what if". 

If you think you are stable and steady enough to tackle it, I think you should. I believe it's something that needs to be done - it's about when. 

I would definitely speak to a skilled therapist to ask their opinion as to whether they feel you are ready. You need to be mentally prepared for it. The therapy work may also help with your perspectives about your mother etc. I know myself that harbouring any form of hatred for people really eats me up inside no matter how 'wrong' they are.

I have forgiven my abusers, but I have not forgotten what they have done. But this means I can live with not having hatred for people - and I'm satisfied with that.

 Let me know your thoughts, @BlueBay .

BPDSurvivor

[BlueBay]

thanks @BPDSurvivor 

I tried to work through this a few years ago and I was a complete mess.  I ended up at times, during my session, hiding behind my chair on the floor. The psychologist would try to get me to talk to my inner child but each time i tried i was a crying mess, dissociating and then feeling extremely exhausted. 

You're right though, I do need to.  It's just when?

I'm angry at what happened to me as a child; I still can't forgive those guys. And I still can't understand or forgive my mum when it was revealed to her. The pain is huge. 

No, i don't think i am stable enough now to handle this. 

I did try to speak to a counsellor at Secasa but first session was very confronting, so i didn't go back.

Looks like i will have to wait a bit more - gosh it just seems that therapy is going to take forever.

[BPDSurvivor]

@BlueBay 
Therapy and recovery doesn't take forever - it takes a lifetime. Even after you've had your 'specialist-assisted therapy', the actual work is done on a daily basis. It requires you as an individual to make daily sacrifices in pushing yourself outside your comfort zone because you know that's the only way to move beyond. If you want you grow as a person, you'll have to take the growing pains that come with it. 

Trauma related therapy is intense. It will bring up painful memories. Forgiving people doesn't mean condoning their actions. Forgiveness allows you to move on. It will be very hard to face therapy work if the underlying anger and hatred is still there. 

As I said, I have forgiven my abusers, but I have not forgotten and I don't condone their actions. Forgiveness will benefit YOU. It doesn't make a difference to your abusers. Work to find it within you. I think this is the first step.

BPDSurvivor

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper It was a good thing you began this thread.

I am also a survivor of institutional childhood sexual abuse, as was my father.

I was turned off alcohol very young, so it was not a temptation for me, but other things were.  We all deal with our demons somehow ....

[NatureLover]

Thanks for telling me about this thread, @saltandpepper ... I really feel for all you who have posted on it. 😞

I've had emotional abuse all my life from my father. I was completely loyal to him up till age 45, still trying to earn his approval despite nothing ever pleasing him about me, still dreading to face his constant harsh criticism each week when I went for lunch. Then I snapped - I don't know whether I had finally reached a tipping point, or whether at the same time I had become strong enough through years of therapy - but I felt the strong need to tell him about the lifelong damage he had done.

I had read about people doing this, and they all regretted saying anything. But I met him twice on neutral ground, and told him. He was very angry, and blamed me and my mental health. (I have 6 mental illnesses stemming from his abuse.) He estranged me. 

I had actually reached a point before meeting him where I was ready if he estranged me, as I thought he might do that - he'd been threatening it all my life, along with saying things like "You're not my daughter" (i.e. rejection). So I was actually OK with him estranging me. And actually it did me good not having his constant criticism in my ear - it allowed me to gain some healing. 

He has now been back in tentative contact by phone, after about 4 years. I will talk to him, but will never trust him again, and don't want to actually see him; but 2 or 3 phone calls a year would be OK. I don't regret telling him about the damage he caused...it was something I needed to do for myself.

[BlueBay]

Your dad sounds so much like my mum @NatureLover .  I totally understand. I was loyal and felt the need to please my mum up until the age of 44.  Even in my married life i would still feel that i had to please her.  It's so bad.

I have made the decision that I need to limit my visits and calls to my parents.  The only sad part is that i don't get to see my dad as often as i would love to, but it is what it is at the moment.  i believe that my dad doesn't know half of the things that my mum has said and done to me over the years.   She's good at keeping it to herself. And make me look like the bad one.  At one point i was estranged from them for 4 years.

I feel that one day if she really gets to me i may snap and tell her that her only son was one of the guys that sexually abused me as a child.  She only knows of the other two but not my brother.  I didn't tell her because of my dad; he isn't well with his heart and i didn't want anything to happen to him if i said something.

I feel for you @NatureLover  sending you hugs xxxoo

[saltandpepper]

Some of you already know my brain is a shit show at the moment. I'm distracting myself with some reading and read this interesting article on the affects childhood trauma have on the development of the brain: How Childhood Abuse Changes the Brain (verywellmind.com) Very interesting read @BlueBay @NatureLover @Appleblossom @BPDSurvivor @Eve7 

@NatureLover glad you found your way here, I hope this can be a space that helps us all

[Owlunar]

Only you know if you will gain anything by opening up your inner child @BlueBay  - it might be an idea to just let it happen when it does - maybe it never will. We all have things in our past that can haunt us 

I remember telling a very understanding social worker about the fear I had of my mother and the spiky, painful, scared feeling it gave me to think about it. That was a long time ago now - and I let it be

When the time was right I remembered what it was - well - I thought I did - I am not sure if that was the truth now and I never talk about what I think happened. The thing is that when I remembered the spiky, scary lump in my chest went away - my mother had died by then and I had no more reason for fear - in fact I have found peace

So - this peace is wonderful and I have no doubt you will like it if you find it - but hunt for it? - it may not be what you imagine so hunting might be futile

I would suggest you let it come to you when the time is right and ripe for it. It would be less traumatic than hiding on the floor behind your therapist's chair. I remember that didn't work for you

To me exposure therapy was terrible for you - you were exhausted and tramatised afterwards and there was nothing gained by going through it. It is hard to find something that your wrote in the past here but it is all recorded - do you really want to go though all that again?

Ask yourself what you would gain from it

And think carefully before going there again

Dec