Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@BlueBay 

Sending love, care and understanding to you. X

[BlueBay]

Hi @saltandpepper 

I've had a very controlling manipulative mother all my life. Up until I was 44 yrs old. I would ring her for her approval on things that I wanted to buy. If she said no or even put doubt in my head I would not buy it. 
looking back she controlled my life. 
then when I dudnt tslk to them for 4 years I had to learn very quickly to trust my judgement on things I wanted to buy or do. 
One huge thing we did was sell our hime and buy another - without her knowledge. thst was an emotional roller coaster. 

I tried about 3 times to csll into their place to give Xmas presents. But each time I was rejected. An excuse each time. Tears of sadness and anger. She never rejects the other siblings. It was just me. 
when I see her I feel she judges me. She gives me this look. She's negative to my comments. Skyways has an answer. I believe she's narcissistic. 

but it's my dad I miss. He's the one I go to see. Not her. Snd now she uses his health as an excuse for us to not go there. Not allowed. 

I crave so much for a mother daughter relationship - one thst I'll never have. But I'm very close to my daughter sbd granddaughter who's three. 

She's never spoken to me about my abuse since thst horrible day years ago. It's like - let's just sweep that under the carpet and never discuss it sgsin. To me Thsts invalidating me snd what happened to me. 
that's why I still have issues. 

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Powderfinger 

Sometimes I struggle to talk about my childhood abuse. It makes me angry sad snd and abandoned by the ones that should love and protect me. And thst never happened. 
hope you're doing ok. 

[Powderfinger]

@BlueBay I completely understand. I have the same issue. I really just cannot talk about it sometimes. I do however realise that with my therapist, I am going to have to talk about it. It causes a lot of problems in my life and I really am so tired of living with the past, carrying this heavy weight and pain. It is not how I want to live for the rest of my life.  My aim in therapy is to let go of the past. In order to do this I have completely changed my approach to therapy. I am hoping this change works. 

[saltandpepper]

"but it's my dad I miss. He's the one I go to see. Not her. Snd now she uses his health as an excuse for us to not go there. Not allowed"

@BlueBay you DO NOT need your mothers permission to visit your father. You have every right to see him and spend time with him if that's what you want. If she truly cared about his health, she would want him to spend time with his daughter. She wouldn't put up road blocks if she was acting in his best interest. She possibly is narcissistic, and it will make it difficult in dealing with her. She is going to thrive on her ability to control and dominate you. You won't be able to reason with her or stop her from behaving that way, but YOU CAN choose to not give her that power over you. I'm not saying it'll be easy, and it might take a long time. Start with small steps, stand firm in your opinions and choices. You have every right to live your life as you see fit, it's your life after all.

[BlueBay]

Hi @saltandpepper 

I can't visit them without phoning first. And when I phone she'll either say yes or most times says no. They don't have mobile phones or internet. Many times I've called and she'll say no don't come cause dad needs to rest. 
You're right - if she cared about his health she would wznt him to see the children. My dad is a very soft emotional person. He does argue and fight with her - but she always is right so then he gives up. 
In that 4 years of not talking do you know how much I cried for him. Just to see him. 
She doesn't care about anyone. 

That's why now I limit my visits and what I say to her. 
she's not close to any of her grandchildren except for my younger sisters kids. 
She's good at making me feel guilty all the time. 
I think part of me is scared of her. Because of her personality and behaviour. 

im sorry I've over taken your post snd it's all about my mum. 

[saltandpepper]

Absolutely no need to apologise @BlueBay thats the whole reason I started this thread, so everyone can have a space to talk about their experiences. It's a space for all of us.

I completely understand that fear, and I'm of the mind that fear is a good emotion/sense to have. As long as it doesn't control us. Observe your fear, understand why it's present, accept it, but don't let it dictate what you will and won't do when it comes to your mother. Fear keeps us safe, but it can also get in the way when it goes into overdrive.

Unfortunately, I don't imagine your dad will be in a position to stand up to your mother. He has to live with her and find a way to make life for himself manageable, standing up to her would create chaos for him.

Is calling ahead absolutely necessary? Or is it a rule imposed upon you by your mother? No matter what she says or does, you have a right to see your Dad and he has a right to see you too. She doesn't get to decide that for him. Even if she digs in heels about it, you don't have to do as she commands. You and your father deserve to spend time together, especially if he is unwell. Keeping him from seeing his children is hardly going to benefit his health. It has nothing to do with his health and everything to do with her being able to control the people in her life. She doesn't have to keep controlling you. What you want is reasonable, your thoughts and feelings are valid, she does not have the right to disregard you. Try to accept she isn't going to change or do things differently, she is still going to have this controlling behaviour, but now that you're aware of it, you can choose to step out of her hold. She can only have power over you if you allow her to.

Again, I'm not saying it's easy to break the dynamic, and really, I get it. I really get it. They way she has and continues to behave isn't ok, it isn't fair, but you now have the power to respond differently to her. You just have to practice some self confidence, and trust that she has done wrong, not you. 

[Former-Member]

I can relate @BlueBay and I am truly sorry your mother is like this. I have no advice or strategies to help as I still don't know how to do this with both my mother and stepmother. 

I am having a real bad day, sh is bad and si "sighs" is really intense. Didn't get a great sleep because of nightmares so that doesn't help. I am struggling with abandonment issues from childhood. My last session with my psychologist we looked into it quickly (we get back to it this year) and I got into trouble for adding a guy that was grooming when I was 14, I didn't know that what he was doing at the time of course. But when he disappeared I was devastated. 

[BlueBay]

Oh @Former-Member  im sorry things are so tough for you right now 

 are you safe? I'm worried you're having a bad day with sh. 

[Bow]

Thanks for the welcome @saltandpepper and others, sorry for the delayed reply, things have been rather challenging for me if late and I’m not in such a great place. I woke with a migraine this morning and have had some meds and much needed rest today so feeling okish tonight. 

Christmas was difficult for me, was discharged from hospital 2 days prior, my Christmas prep was not finished and didn’t get things organised that I would normal have, which I felt disappointed about, especially for my daughter. I had one kind of ok day after getting home from hospital and have since crashed a lot. 

I hope to share some of my story some time, for the significant events that occurred to me, it will be 27yrs this year. And although I have been able to heal from a lot of what happened to me, some things that have happened to me in recent years have triggered me and I find myself thinking about that stuff again. So while time can heal, you don’t ever forget. 

Thanks for creating this space @saltandpepper 

@BlueBay have read bits of your posts over the last couple of days and not sure if I have chatted with your before, but can understand relationships with parents can be difficult. Thinking of you