Anxiously attached & broken up

[Flowergirl94]

Hi,

so this is my first time posting on here. 
I am going through a break up after a 4 year relationship. I really thought he was the one and I’ve been deeply saddened and heartbroken. He initiated it, saying he feels he isn’t ready for all the future things, isn’t where he thought he would be at his age (28, and I’m 30) and that he needs time to be on his own and work on his own life as he feels the relationship has been the only thing making him happy. He also feels like he was putting all his energy into the relationship, and had none left to give himself.

Where I am struggling the most, is the very heavy realisation that I was quite anxiously attached. There are habits I am not proud of, and I clung on very tight for years, often trying to get him to talk about the future with me, in turn what I suspect pushed him away.

i am ready to do all the work to figure my attachment out, but I’m just heartbroken I didn’t realise this all sooner. I had an idea, but it’s really taken this to take a good look at myself and my unhealthy traits.

we had an overall happy relationship with a lot of love, which is why after 2 and a half months we are still trying to cut off contact. But he is stern in thinking this is for the best for him.

im not even sure why im posting. Just maybe reaching out to see if anyone else has been through this, and is there light on the other side of being anxious and ruining a relationship?

[rav3n]

hey @Flowergirl94 welcome to the forums!

sorry to hear about the break up, i imagine there's still a lot of thoughts and feelings still being processed so please do take your time, there's no rush. i'm an anxious-avoidant person myself but i haven't been any long-term relationships... my friends with anxious attachments on the other hand have been in a few. i've seen from them how hard it can be, and often times its hard to identify and work on the attachment style while in a relationship (i mean its not impossible, but it is a lil easier when you're single!) 

the fact that you've figured out that your attachment style needs work is already a big step - and it is definitely something that can be improved! while he works on himself, this sounds like the perfect time for you to work on yourself too. we're here to listen and support you 💗

[Jellybeans25]

Hello, 

Sorry to hear you’re going through a breakup. I’m not sure if you’ve already read or heard about this book before, it’s called “attached” it’s insightful and an easy read about the different attachment styles. 

I understand a lot of the things you’ve mentioned in your post. As I used to be very preoccupied anxiously attached, it would push partners away and sabotage my relationships until I noticed the patterns. 

I’m not a spokes person or paid advertiser or anything of the sorts, I sincerely would like to recommend a podcaster I came across a while ago. It’s all about healing anxious attachment, I found it very helpful and reading your post it sounds like the material would be suited too.

It’s called “on attachment” by Stephanie Rigg. 

There’s also a YouTuber called Thias Gibsons, the personal development school and she talks about anxious attachment too.

There is so much free resources available online now, in the realm of learning to heal attachment wounds and bringing awareness to our attachment styles.