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Blended Family and a wife with BPD

Its been an interesting road and I will aim to keep this post as simple as possible...                                                               I met my wife online.  When we chatted it was pure addiction.  Then we met within days and she was everything I wanted her to be... the conversation, sex, similar views, future dreams...  We moved in within 6 weeks to live together - It was convenient at the time as I was contemplating moving from where I was (renting at the time) - just the circumstance of timing... 

I met her 2 daughters and they all met my son...

not once did my alarm bells go off despite the mad speed at which it all seemed to occur...

I feel stupid now of course knowing what I do about a BPDs patterns...  being love bombed...

 

The relationship really flowered and within 6 months we bought a house together with plans to marry...                                                                                                                        

                 

For the most part it all just seemed really great - So things progressed with an occaisional speed bump - That is until we got married...

She wanted a simple ceremony - no fuss and only essential people were there to sign docs... 

That very night there was an argument of over-dramtic preportions and what triggered it I cant exactly recall.

Suddenly all of the things that we'd done together to build to this life together were stones to throw as insults.   It was as if a switch had triggered in her mind and now I was someone totally evil to her - none of what she said in anger had the remotist logic to it and quite often one comment would contradict another - it went on far too long and she used every angle she could to inflict verbal pain - it only ended when I walked out of the room after she siad "its me or your son - you choose"...  

 

It was at that moment i recognised something much darker was at play rather than a simple burst of unchecked anger  surely there was simply no way another parent would say something like that to another parent.                                                                                                                                                                                    But now the floodgates openned - over the months that came there were these peaks and troughs of love and pure hate.  Unchecked emotions over spilling with her wedding ring being repeatedly thrown and then there were the appologies 2 or 3 days later with 'I dont want to loose you' echoing closely behind.... 

She seemed to have developed a low tolerance for people in general - tv presenters - people at her work etc.

 

Everytime we broke up she would do something like change the furniture arround or cut her hair or color it or maybe pack up some of her tsuff in a box - just do something to show there was a change to the environment,

I researched mental disorders and stumbled onto BPD... it fitted almost to a T... so much more so than my description here would probably suggest... 

I also discovered she had also been abandoned by her natural parents at birth... there were a few other teeage years traumas as well...

 

As the arguments continued  (I tried to refrain from getting caught up where possible)  she seemed to start to focus in on badmouthing my son (never in his earshot) as a means to hurt me.  callng him a F%$#wit and so forth....  It surprised me again another parent would do this.

I am an every second weekend dad so its not like there wasnt space for my wife in my life and she was always included when I did stuff with my boy like go to the park.

As his parent I shielded him from what was going on  - he was never yelled at and he remained oblivious to it all - my wifes anger was focused at me and occaisinally her younger daughter who had moments hwere she hurt herself as a coping mechanism.

 

Despite the above I was still hopeful that we could try to get things on track - I fell into the 'white knight' role which was another mistake - however - during one of my wifes level times I discussed what I'd found in my online research and she even agreed that it seemed to fit what she was like - she seemed to have some moments of self awareness. 

 

She also had said she had felt often like she had two personalities however much of the really dark side of anger did not emerge until after we married - whatever happened that day in her mind changed everything that came after.    

She would fire up angry over nothing - when challenged or caught in an untruth she would deflect - change the subject or move to get away from me to another room - she'd message me an agry text then block me on her phone, unfriend me on facebook - any little dig she could come up with.  So many other little things happened along the way - in the mix of it all you just forget how much negativity they can bring.

But no matter how angry she seemed to get she would never actually break the relationship off  - throw her ring away yes but never say that we were done...  

 

As time continued I researched and learnt to protect myself frlom the outbursts and use the down times to push her towards therapy... I got her to agree to go to a physciatrist and I was in the room - she was honest with him... he said it sounded like a mild form of BPD but I am not sure it was the most thorough examiniation either...  

Unfortunatly despite my best attempts to support her through and continue treatment she seems to have no interest in reflecting on herself - she defaulted back to her anti deppresents instead...

 

I know thats not my fault any more than whatever condition it is she has or does not have.            

I've now ended the marriage and we are the process of doing what you do to make lives separate when you have combined assets.  

I am seeing a counsellor just to get my own bearings in order and to get my head in a good space while we go through the separation process. 

Im here writing this because I need to bounce off other people who have shared in the experience of a relationship with a BPD person - to hear how people feel, take on board advice and thoughts - whether the realtionship is good or bad we all grieve when we lose something or someone we love...

.

I know her mindset is outside my control and despite her attempts to devalue me as a human (even now as we separate)  I also know my worth and value.  

Really what it came down to is would I want this life for my son - to feel that he would grow up and think its ok to need to walk on eggshells to be with your partner... relationships should be a shared and loving experience - the good and bad and the mediocre everyday stuff...

 

Im dissapointed that its ended - im dissapointed that the start of this 'perfect relationship' was just a fabrication.  Dissapointed I allowed myself to be fooled so easily...  But Im alive and my son is happy and healthy. 

 

Sorry its so long as a post.  So many thoughts. 

3 REPLIES

Re: Blended Family and a wife with BPD

Hi @FarSide and welcome

I dont have any answers for you but just wanted to let you know you know you were heard and not alone. I can relate to a lot of what you have described. 

I support my wife who lives with BPD. We have 3 children.

Re: Blended Family and a wife with BPD

Thank you for the reply. 

 

Its good to know there are groups and forums available who have people with first hand experience...

 

Reflecting over my post (and my appologies for my late night grammar) - and knowing all the other little angry, spiteful or decietful moments that occured in the everyday running of our lives over little things like making breakfast or driving to the shops - you simply can't capture the entire dynamics and impact without writing a novel.

There so much that I hadnt touched on - things like her kicking her eldest daughter out of her home to live with her father because they couldn't go 2 minutes in the same room without fighting... And just how cut and dry and non emotional it was for her to do - real black and white.

 

As a person I am quite strong mentally -  unfortunatley this experience has allowed me to see how easily a non BPD partner could be mentally impacted under the weight of dealing with the BPD who lies, manipulates, uses anything as a weapon, has no logic and will use anything at their disposal to have their way be the way... As someone who had sought a future it is still nonetheless a sad outcome even when all the pieces come together and I accept (at least in logic) that what we thought was real simply wasnt.  

I know I did all I could to makemake my wife aware of her situation - to let her know she wasnt alone - to provide her avenues to DBT and other therapies.   It was when I drew clear boundaries about behaviours that the whole relationship just fell into massive deterioration... these boundaries werent difficult - simple things like do not use bad language to refer to children...

I have also helped her younger daughter where I could - she is a remarkably decent person despite what she has endured and I wish for her the best. 

 

As a man I lean on logic to form my emotions - BPD turns this on its head entirley.

 

Thank you again for listening. 

Re: Blended Family and a wife with BPD

As was to be expected the apologies and quest for forgiveness came a few days ago...

she asked for forgiveness and I gave but with specific boundaries.... 

she then started to read the books I had purchased on DBT and other recommended books I had sourced...

she started trying to look at it from other people’s perspective...

she tried to not get agitated over little things... 

and it was almost there - the shift in her internal acknowledgement that all of this stuff that had gone on to such heated degrees wasn’t how people should should their lives or see the world but in my head I knew that it would not last...

When she asked for forgiveness I didn’t unpack anything that I had prepped for moving house... I didn’t get hopeful... I stayed pragmatic... my life would still move forward together or apart...

Almost on queue she blew her lid tonight with her daughter ... a complete flip... and left the house to walk it off.  ...  2 days is all it took - from asking to forgiveness to using eyes with venom... when she got back from her walk everything I did was wrong - doesn’t matter whether you helped or did the right thing - in those moments when BPD takes over you are wrong no matter how many rights you do...

 

I knew the signs and told her I would not get caught up in this moment with her... she uttered the usual obscenities and locked herself in our bedroom...

She has learnt to communicate with BPD by poking people a

at the sensitive spots, arguing, turning on the heat and then asking for absolution in the days or weeks that follow

 

This time its a speed bump to our separation process... I am aware of the negative approaches she takes... I lean towards being hopeful when she can see what she does... but it doesn’t last.

 

thanks for the listen 

 

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