Lived Experience Forum

[Sammy16]

hi guys, im sam. im 29.... 30 in a months time. earlier this year i had a bit of a break.psychologically. i live with my mum n.we were moving house something i could tell she was stressed about. i was working an unfulfilling job fulltime for a bunch.of jerks in the construction industry just on the phones.... getting by putting up with bullshit. i was really unhappy. i messaged a friend.and my mum to say i was struggling but that just made my feelings increase... despair anxiety overwhelm. i started to get paranoid and think people in the office were talking about.me. i didnt go to work the.next day and messaged my boss to say.im suffering from extreme.anxiety and deppresion. i couldnt stop crying n screaming i felt like my world was ending. my.mum.called the cat team as i have had psychosis before back in 2015 i went to hospital. my symptoms were the same. felt like i was being filmed and that the fbi were hunting me down.... like i was on the trueman show or something. everything was fake.and everyone was acting to capture me and take me from society. my tboughts still haunt n.scare me now.... well i just wanted to share my story. its been six months n i am very alone in this. my friends have very flourished lives with fulltime work / careers... husbands partners and r non dependant on there parents. it makes it hard to relate or gain some peer support. it makes it easy for me to beat myself up and wish i waz different and didnt have these experiences. i still.am struggling to get work.and find myself... my mum is a bit detached n doesnt understand she just gets so upset that i struggle. i wish i never did and could just be.normal.n.not feel this intensities

[Shaz51]

Hello @Sammy16 and welcome to the forum

 sending you hugs

[utopia]

@Sammy16. Sounds really frustrating especially when you compare your life witg friends lives. We never come off best when we compare ourselves with others. But I compare my life with others too. All those 'I shoulds'.... be doing better, working, a better parent, not sick again.
How has your psychosis settled down now? Are the meds working?

[Sammy16]

i guess the.meds are working. im not paranoid as much dont believe people are plotting against me but every.now and then i do get worried and feel tremendous guilt for what ive been through. i really believed i.was a bad person and society was out to get me. thats a hard reality to shake.

[Amour_Et_Psyché]

Hi @Sammy16,

First of all Welcome to the Forums! Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure many people on the forums will appreciate hearing about your experience. It sounds like you have had a rough past few years in relation to your difficult and unsatisfying work experience, your psychosis in 2015 and psychological break earlier this year. On top of this, it can be so hard when you feel alone and that you cannot talk to anyone about your experience; whilst feeling, at the same time, guilty and a bad person for experiencing what you have (that is a hard reality to shake!) I hope that you will find people on the forums to talk to and that this helps you feel that there are people who can relate and empathize with your experience.

What you may be interested in doing is posting in the "introduce myself" thread, here; so more people can see and respond to your post - it is a quick way to make friends here on the forums. You may also be interested in reading through and/or posting on this thread created by @Former-Member, called "Living with Psychosis." It shares about Hope32's experience living with psychosis as an adult in her late 20's. 

I hope the forums help you to find the support you need!

Kind Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[utopia]

@Sammy16. I'm gkad the meds are working for you. I live with depression and anxiety so don't have any experience of psychosis myself. But I do feel that guilt, for many different reasons and that leads to even more negative self talk. A vicious cycle.
But it does sound like things are starting to improve for you. I'm glad.