Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

Hello everyone. I am sitting here surrounded by clubs & groups listings, wondering what I will try next. I keep making lists and setting them aside, knowing that it will be just another failed mission. I saw a GP yesterday. He mentioned counselling and group therapy which would help me lots, but when I go back, if I do, I expect it will be another futile attempt at saving myself, even if he goes through the motions of being helpful. I feel that once they all 'figure me out' after one meeting, I am again in unhelpful territory. I have found, without exception, that they only help those who need it least, which is why, for me and so many otherss, things go from bad to worse. 

I really have tried everything. Really. I really want to live. I think I have earned that, but there are no allies for me in the real world and I can't do it on my own. I just don't know what to do next except start depending on medication to get through each day. All I need is folks who genuinely want to help me and then I could help others in return. What on earth can I do to save myself? People in a position to help are in such a powerful position of control over me, and they invariably decide not to. I am in such pain and so very lonely.

[tyme]

My dear @Historylover ,

I hear the difficult space you are sitting in. I wish I could make the pain all go away, but I can't.

It comforts me that you 'really want to live'. This sincere desire is your glimmer of hope. Beneath the pain and suffering is a that smoking flax waiting to be ignited.

You are so accurately describing a time I also faced in my life. I was told group therapy would help. But I wasn't ready for it and sought another way out of the darkness. I indirectly blamed everyone else for my condition. 

Recovery was about me doing the work. I pushed against any my own desires and what was 'easy' for me. It was a hard journey.

I'll be with you @Historylover . You are not alone. My heart goes out to you.

tyme

[Historylover]

Thank you for your response @tyme. My life just goes from bad to worse, and I know there is more to come. Life is not supposed to be like this. I've been betrayed by people so close to me, people like my parents, who did dreadful things and let me take the blame. They intentionally destroyed my relationship with my daughters so that they had control over something in their lives, even if it was the destruction of their daughter's life. I don't even have to have been in on the conversation to know that my mother will have said to my estranged daughters for whom I gave up everything that I am 'still their mother', and 'still her daughter'. That's just the way my mother was. You cannot imagine the tangle my family's relationships are in, the misconceptions, the misinformation, the manipulations. I'm the only one whose been trying to fix this mess. I thought it was the most important thing I could do in my life. I'm still learning of things I am supposed to have done. I don't lie about anything and I don't understand why others do. Perhaps that's where I am going wrong. I don't talk about people behind their backs and then pretend all is well when I see them again. I'm not two-faced...and integrity gets me nowhere. The lies have just got out of hand and lives have been built around this mess. My family don't know truth from lies. I don't know how to reconcile my hatred for my parents with the love I have for them, who themselves endured unendurable abuse. I don't know how they lived with themselves, but they did. And those who did the same to them had no qualms doing so. Does no-one know right from wrong?

I have such conflicting emotions swirling about in my head and it's all just getting worse. To have my daughter betray me now is really taking some adjusting to. One day I reluctantly relinquished my beloved daughters, with whom I had an excellent relationship, to their adulterous, abandoning father rather than tear them between two 'houses' at war, and the next they were on their father's side. They have been absolutely brainwashed against me and there is nothing I can do about it. We are worlds apart and I can't live without them. There is no fix for this situation. Life is not worth living. It's sheer bloody hell. Mere endurance with no light at the end of the tunnel, just prolonging the pain and loneliness.

I'm safe.

[wellwellwellnez]

Your sharing has given me pause. I know we're different people with different things going on, but I tend to process things in the other direction. i.e I often feel like I'm put in the "low-priority basket". I actually put a lot of that down to my attachment issues. You touched a nerve in me, though. I'm starting to think that i wouldn't be so low-priority if people didn't, at the same time, see me as too-hard.

That's confronting. You've confronted me. Ive got one or two things to process now. High-expectation and low-expectation issues are both happening at once. It's a very smoodgy feeling. It also feels like something I could have look-at and chew-on, so thanks.

Can I also say, that from a "stages of change" point of view, it feels like you're around the planning/action part of the spectrum (also known as the "threshold" part of the "hero's journey"), which is great. You deserve at least 5 points for getting this far. The first steps on any new journey are always the heaviest.

Continuing the hero's journey format (we're going full Jung-Campbell now so hold on), you've engaged with the "challenge" and with "guidance". The next stage is "tests and allies". It's a good time to be thinking of the quest goals ahead. Things like what cave do you need to enter for the "cave stage"? And, what magical object do you want to retrieve for "seize magical object" stage? Knowing that helps when it comes to choosing the right allies and the right tests.

[tyme]

My dear @Historylover ,

I hear you. It is hard to change that which is beyond our control, especially when it just seems so unfair.

I appreciate you letting us know that you are safe now. 

You do not need to do this alone.

I encourage you to reach out to services if you feel the need for even a distraction. I found this helped me in the past.

Here are some numbers if you feel the need:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

Do you think giving yourself a bit of space between the thoughts will reduce the pain for this moment?

Can you think of anything that may help you in the NOW? Sometimes, grounding techniques work such as naming as many sounds as you can, or naming all the shades of brown you see.

Sitting with you,

tyme

[Historylover]

To be honest, @wellwellwellnez, I think I got locked out of the game. I like to think I'll still be able to join in but I am not at all hopeful. Fingers crossed, heh?

[Historylover]

Distractions are pointless for me @tyme. My mind needs to sort, and think. I need to come to terms with matters which just keep getting worse, with what has been done to me by people I should have been able to trust. I need to understand if dog-eat-dog and betrayal is the only way people know. 

I know there is more ahead. No-one is helping me in the real world. I'm fighting this battle alone. No family to rely on, no friends, no-one.

What is they say about nice people? Is it that they never get ahead?

Life has left me bewildered. 

[Appleblossom]

@Historylover Hey.

We have a lot in common. 

Maybe you do not need to save yourself.  I see your impulse to work through things as very powerful, a sign of inner healing and engagement with the important issue3s of life, far from being damned or anything like that.  

I really llike @wellwellwellnez input about the "threshold" part of the "hero's journey").  Yep we girls can do it too.

I tried really hard to make allies irl, but it was not to be. I feel I have been fortunate to make a few here on Sane forum.  It has to be enough to get me through ... Hope its gets you both through too.

[wellwellwellnez]

You're a smart and kind person. I want that "game" or "in the game" feeling for you. Oh boy I want it so much for you (also for the rest of us who have been missing out on that feeling).

You're stirring things in me. I keep thinking about where "access" meets "belonging". As an attachment-issue-type that's a very welcome aspect for me to be exploring. Once again, thank you.

[wellwellwellnez]

@Appleblossomthanks for spotting the part that I was missing. Taking on challenges is one important aspect but self-acceptance is just as (if not more) essential.

Let's have a shout-out for selves. Slava selves!