Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope.

Self care?  I saw my psych yesterday.  She reckons I need some extra support right now and wants to see me again in a couple of weeks. I made an appointment for 4 weeks time. Best I could manage with all of hubbys upcoming medical apts and commitments.

I usually try to get to the gym for my pilates/yoga class either Tuesdays or Thursdays, but was unable to due to a hospital visit for hubby on Tuesday and my psych apt on Thursday. Cant be in two places at once I've discovered.

And on Wednesday I usually get out of the house and visit the local nursing home to do my volunteer work.  This week it just all seemed too hard, I couldnt do it. So I  rang and apologised.  Feel bad about that. But I just needed some time out. Mind you, I didnt actually do anything.  Just stayed at home and got yelled at by an angry hubby.  Sigh.

Wearing my favourite colour?  Yes actually I did yesterday for my psych apt.  I have a pretty summery cotton dress in a lilac colour.  A personal favourite of mine, even if it is now getting a little old and worn. 

Sherry 

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜💐💕💐💜 .....  so glad to hear there is something happening in there for you @Former-Member ...... and yes, even respecting your feelings of being down-hearted enough to cancel on volunteer work is good self-care.  Shame it didn’t spare you the hubby-tanties, but I can relate to that too ..... I hope you can tune it out enough to have been comfortable that you were in your own home and not wanting to be anywhere else.

I sometimes answer, “yeah, yeah, yeah !!” in my own mind when the hubby-hissies are going on and answering them aloud will only inflame the situation.  I hope you have some sort of inner-world answer for it too, to keep your self-empowerment in place.  Another one I have is, “yeah .... well .... THAT’s on borrowed time !!”

It’s hard knowing that they are suffering, but two people suffering doesn’t make it better ..... and people can suffer without having to inflict it on others as a coping mechanism.  Is hubby open to his own self-soothing or self-care practices ?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I totally understand the feeling of needing time out when under such a heavy load as you are. You did the right thing, don't feel bad my friend. I have done the same - I took a month off from my volunteer work for that reason. I am feeling stronger for the break already. So important when we are caring for someone. Not to mention the emotional duress/anguish and the toll it takes.....I hear you.

My husband had the same reaction when on steroids as your hubby did when undergoing his cancer treatment some years back and just recently. The mood swings (anger) were frightening, and out of character for him. So I can imagine what you are going through there at home and your reluctance to go near hubby. Steroids are known for it - yes, the sooner he is weaned off the better. My husband was weaned off them too and where he can avoid it he won't touch them now. I honestly could not go near him. At those times I did go out for a bit for my own mental protection. But yes, steroids sometimes are a necesssry evil and the poor patient has no choice.

Oh Sherry - you are so strong. You sound so together. Amazing given the load you are under. The dress sounded gorgeous - lilacs, violet and purple shades are one of my favourite colours too. It's wonderful you have the support of your psychiatrist - she sounds great. I would like a support person when my husband goes into hospital as I have no one - but I would not know where to start looking. I cope pretty well now with everything else otherwise. But I do find it hard sitting in waiting rooms not knowing what to expect on my own....not sure if that makes sense to others.

I think it wise that you are receiving extra support now - glad you are seeing your psych soon. I do understand how hard it is to fit everything in with medical appts etc and how draining it can be. Hope you are finding some time to relax a bit more today. Thinking of you xxx 💕🌹

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member @Former-Member

From the Aust Govt Carer Gateway website - this might be a good spot to get help as to where to get support:

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/connecting-with-other-carers

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Former-Member @Determined @Shaz51

Thanks for that website @Former-Member, I'll check it out.

Sherry

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hey @Former-Member ..... hoping things are a little better today.

🌷

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope.  Its really hard right now.  It seems I get the blame or at least the backlash for every little ache and pain.  Everything is my fault right now it seems.  

I do try to the 'yeah yeah yeah' thing in my own mind, and try to just walk away.  But when it continues, it just hurts so much. Yes I know you know exactly what I mean, as you've been through all that too.

As for his own self care and soothing?  Well for him its always been about drinking with the boys, or playing pool with the boys or a day out punting with the boys. Or his regular 3 times a year overseas jaunt with the boys.  At present he isnt up to doing any of that.  So he gets stuck into the booze at home as much as he can.  Which of course makes his side effects so much worse, his mood even lower and his temper higher.  The result is not pretty, to put it mildly.  I know he's depressed about his illness, his deferred treatment and the fact that he has potentially fatal cancer.  I understand all that.  But why does he have to take it out on me?  I didnt give him cancer!  All I'm doing is to try to do everything I can to help him best fight this, and making his life bearable for whatever time left he has.

I am just so fed up and deflated about  everything right now.  And for me, its approaching the anniversary of my trauma next month.  For me, thats always a tough time, as I typically get more and more anxious and get less and less sleep in the weeks leading up to it.  I just dont know if I can face that this year, along with everything else.  Who's taking care of me through all this?

@Former-Member I'm so sorry knowing that you understand all this yourself all too well.  That you are going through many of the same things.  Thanks for your support and understanding, it helps.  It really does.

I just dont know if I can continue to do this, when it seems that my efforts are not appreciated, that I'm not appreciated.  I get the feeling he'd be happier if I werent around.

@Former-Member @Determined @Shaz51 - thanks to all of you.  Knowing others understand and care, is all that keeps me doing this I think.  Otherwise I'd have thrown in the towell long ago.

Sherry

[Faith-and-Hope]

Have you contacted Carer’s Australia @Former-Member ? There might be something that they can help you with, whether a respite carer can come to sit with your hubby for a couple of hours a week - maybe a bloke - so you can take time out ..... and that person might also be able to counsel hubby a bit on the fact that if his carer (you) falls down under the weight of the situation you’re in, where will he be without her ?? Hmmmm ??

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope.  No I havent yet.  I will read more on the Carers site tomorrow.  

Thanks 

[Former-Member]

Oh @Former-Member 😢😢😢

I do hope it helps - my concern and friendship is genuine. I just wish I could make the wrongs right for you. As human beings we have our limits and you have reached yours. Your feelings of deflation, disheartenment and disillusion is totally understandable. It's time to put yourself first now as it is reaching a crisis point. Your husband is not well in many ways - Sherry "this is not a reflection of your worth". Keep telling yourself that and seek out support for you "as your well being is the priority now".

You may have to emotionally detach for your own safety and if being constantly abused to remove yourself for awhile for some reprieve into an environment where you feel safe, respected, appreciated and supported least you come totally undone. Seek outside nursing assistance if nessecary to aid in some reprieve for you. You don't have to seek permission for that - it's time to think of your own health now as well as it can't  go on like this. It's crushing you mentally, physically and emotionally.

I think seeing your psych sooner would be a good idea and telling her what you have told us here. And seeking out a real life support group for you such as grow or similar which could give you another outlet of give support in person and by phone - I did this and it got me through the worse. I do believe you would also find that a tremendous help in addition to receiving support on here. 

I am glad you are opening up and venting here - it can help just to get it out there. Please keep doing so. We hear you, we care, we relate and we so appreciate you. As others will that you will meet in the future. Don't throw in the towel as we will get through this together.  Please keep posting and update us as I am worried about you. Sending a warm squishy hug ❤️