Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

Not coping.  Locked myself in my bedroom. Husband angry with me for not cooking dinner. Turned phones off. I have  physio appointment and afraid she will go off at me. Just want to run away and hide

[Lunar]

Hi @Chris

That sounds like a really tough day, I hope you try to look after yourself as best you can, don't forget there are services if you would like some support at some point today.

Lifeline
13 11 14 (24/7)
Chat (7pm-4am)
www.lifeline.org.au

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1800 18 7263 (10am-10pm)

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Lunar

[Razzle]

Hi @Chris.   We have so many similarities, I could be reading my own story in your words.

You would think it impossible to be alone when you’re surrounded by people, I have a close family but I’ve never felt more alone in my life - but unlike yourself, I also feel extremely lonely.

I’m quietly celebrating that you didn’t cook dinner, I’ve done this plenty of times too.  It gets to a point when you give so much of yourself and get nothing in return that you just need to say to yourself “f$&@ them, it’s time to just look after myself”.

I haven’t lifted a finger in my house for over a month now.  I used to do it all, never a sign of gratitude or appreciation.  My husband and I are in marriage councilling, housework comes up a lot.  I feel unappreciated, and if the husband folds a piece of laundry he expects the whole freaken parade.  We even came up with a schedule to make things fair - lasted about 2 weeks before the husband stopped doing anything.  Now I do NOTHING.  Funnily enough, Saturday my son was on the vaccume, husband was doing the laundry and cleaned up the kitchen - so obviously it isn’t impossible for them after all.  

I do HEAR you, I hear how alone you are. I hear how sad you feel, and I feel heart broken for you, just last week I started a thread where I just wanted to drive and drive and never come back because I feel all of that too.  

Always here to chat if you need ❤️❤️

[Chris]

I saw the physio. In trouble for doing too much too quickly. Cant win. Didnt even stop for coffee just came back home. Im sooo tired. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out.  Dreading my husband comming home from work. Feel like i will bite hid head off.

[Razzle]

Hi @Chris , just checking in to see how you were feeling today.  Hope you were able to get some restful sleep and that you feel better today ❤️❤️

[Chris]

I spent the morning with my sister, which was good. I still feel abit like a bear with a sore head. Too much stuff going on at home that realistically have no control over. However it still has a big impact on daily life. I cannot go into it as it is very complex, and i dont think it appropriate to talk about in a public forum. I guess its just at times it gets extremely stressful and overwhelming. I dont know who i can trust if infact there is anyone. Ive tried to reach out to my psychologist at her request for an update, but she hasnt responded to any of my emails. I just feel like at the end of the day, i  stand alone. Its a fact of life. If only i could really accept that. The only one i can rely on is me. And if i let myself down, noone else suffers. I thought i had worked passed this way of thinking but i seem to keep comming back to this same spot.

[Razzle]

@Chris I’m hearing you, I have felt the same way as you, I‘ve never felt like anyone has been in my corner, ever.  

I’ve kept a lid on my secrets for 40years, I feel like I have always had to battle through on my own.  I have been seeing a councillor all this year and now that I have finally opened up and let

my husband in on what had happened to me in the past (with the help from my Councellor) I had expected some support from him - but it wasn’t to be. 

I can honestly say I have only really 

NEEDED my husband twice in my married life - when we lost our 9yo son in a car accident 12 years ago, and when my father died last year - and he wasn’t there for me in either case.  

Since my fathers death I’ve had plenty of time to sit back and analyse every aspect of my marriage, and now that my eyes are wide open I see that he has never been supportive ever.  

It's a terrible feeling to know that you can give so much of yourself and get nothing in return.  That leaves me feeling completely worthless with so much self hate - this is now what

my Councellor is trying to work on with me, to be able to love and accept me for who I am, very hard to do when I would rather be anyone else besides me.  

It it is so hard to trust anyone when the

people that should care about you the most are the ones that seem to let you down all the time.  

I’m glad you were able to get out and spend time with your sister today, I hope that has helped with all the stress you are under at the moment.  I’m just heading home from my councilling session now, it was in his home town so a 540km round trip.  Taking plenty of breaks, because honestly, I just don’t want to go home

[Chris]

Wow thats a long day razzle. You must be exhusted.Therapy in itself is exhusting, then the long drive.

Im so sorry to hear you lost your son at such  a young age. It must still be incredibly hard to live with the loss.

It sounds as though you are trying to come to terms with other trauma you have experienced. I know how alone that can make you feel as well as all the other mix of emotions that come with it.

Maybe we have found a connection with each other somehow.

My husband has never really understood my mental health issues which are complex. There have been times ive needed him, but i felt like i was only a burden. Although in more recent years he has tried. We are really on a different page on many levels. He is a workaholic despite turning seventy next year. He has always worked two or three jobs. I guess it was easier for him to do that than cope with four kids a mother in law living with us and my mental health issues. So for the most part ive battle everything on my own. His health is deteriating and he has complex physical health issues. Hes a walking time bomb really. But we just carry on as normal, what ever normal is! Old age brings its own challenges, and its scarry. The thought of losing my independence and having to rely on others. I feel like a burden. Ive had a scare recently with a knee injury, and needed surgery. My mobility has been affected and i find it hard not being able to get around very easily. It has really scared me. Its a long slow process to recovery( about eight months) and lots of physio. I feel like its all down hill from here.

So,  I know im not in a very good headspace right now. I guess all i can do is take it one day at a time.

[Razzle]

Yes @Chris one day at a time is all anyone can do.  Glad to hear you’re doing physio, it will do wonders in the long run.  I have a friend that has had knee and hip surgery and didn’t keep with the physio because she found it painful, and now she suffers terribly for it.  She now has referred pain in her back and ankle and the whole thing has turned into a long running medical saga.

It’s interesting that you commented that yourself and your hubby are on different pages, I feel like my hubby and myself are on completely different book shelves.  It’s damn frustrating at times.

You’re right about therapy, it does wipe me out, the sessions have been pretty rough lately.  Last week after the session I just sat in my car and stared out the window for 3 hours (crying on and off) before I felt even close to be able to drive home.  There’s always plenty of stops on the way home, I’ve even parked beside a lake and slept a few times.  I got home just a few minutes ago, as much as I hate being here, it is better than being on the road.

My husband  sort of knew about my past, a very glossed over version.  I only ever told him that there were 2 sexual assaults but never gave any detail.  Now he knows about all of them, (in graphic detail) the group assault when I was 8, the single assault a couple of weeks later by one of the members of the group, another assault at 10 and then when I was sexually abused for 18months while aged 11 and 12.  I don’t think my husband quite knows what to do with this information, to say the dynamics of the marriage have changed would be an understatement.

I never really grieved the loss of my son properly, something else that I’m confronting now.  Like I said before, I didn’t have any support back then and I always felt that I wasn’t allowed to grieve.  While everyone else fell apart I had to be the strong one, but I can’t be that anymore, there’s too much going on and I’m just not strong enough to handle it all, it seems that it is my turn to crumble.  I miss him terribly, I look at his friends, and his brother and sister and wonder what he would have been like now, it all seems so incredibly unfair.

Sorry to hear your hubby is unwell, I like that you said you “carry on as normal, whatever that is”.  It gave me a little chuckle, my goal when I started therapy was to “just feel normal” - I still have no clue what exactly that is.

Your last post sounded more relaxed, like maybe you’re feeling a little better, I hope so.  If it helps to keep talking, I’m very happy to chat, you may be right, I think we do have a connection.  Please know you’re not alone, sending big hugs ❤️❤️

[Chris]

Thanks. I will be back later in the day. On my way out now