Lived Experience Forum

[Happyness]

'I monitor my own internet use'

'I monitor when i listen to the radio'

'For me the television is the safest at the moment

But i still monitor when i watch the television'

'It's just that i have heightened senses and sometimes i get sick'

'Just day by day at the moment'

[Appleblossom]

I have actually thought and felt a lot about the safety of the dark .. being hidden .. and so not a target etc ,, and also the blindingness and burns and heat excesses that the sun can cause .. when being "in the light".

Work on work and on your thinking in whichever ways is safe ...

It is sad to hear you post about your feelings about your family .. but there is one good thing .. at least you are clear that they have betrayed your trust in some way .. I was mind-numbingly slow in figuring that out.

I also have great respect for the level of courage it takes to work at making a christmas happen for your kids.

Take care @-Rayne- @Happyness and @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Good to hear from you @-Rayne-. I understand your world is very different there. Keep finding all the little things to ground you. I'm thinking that maybe spending time with the dog might help too. Can you take him/her for a walk and mediate while you are doing that. You are doing really well. Keep going, you can do this. As @Appleblossom said your love and dedication to your children is truly admirable. Check in if it helps you. Thinking of you 💜🤗

[-Rayne-]

Thanks @Former-Member, yeah our dog is the best. She's probably keeping me sane - she's done that before. Things are pretty out of control with the dissociation, flashbacks etc. We're just doing what we can, minute by minute.

For positives though, we are learning some things, like that it was a mistake to come here. We can't do this again. If we visit, we need to stay in a motel or something. Certain things that took us months of therapy to do, seem to have broken again... and really for the first time we seem to have a consensus that we can't continue to put ourselves through this. It's not worth it.

I did talk to the kids a little bit about what it was like growing up with our mother. They have been staying here and were kind of feeling bad I think about not liking it. Maybe because I never told them anything negative about the parents. So today they were talking about her and I told them some of the milder things she did when she was younger - just manipulative things really but mild for her is extreme for normal people - I thought it showed how she's mellowed a bit but still the same and they shouldnt' feel bad about resenting her. My son said he's glad I was his mum and not her. That was nice to hear. 

They've found share accommodation to move to in the new year and daughter has a driving test booked so we at least have a rough date now for when we can go home. It's still a long way away though, feels like far too long. 

[Former-Member]

@-Rayne-. It is good to hear from you. For all the darkness you find yourself in there seems to be some major steps forward. For me what stood out the most was that there was consensus. This seems to be a huge step forward. Perhaps the months of therapy is not broken but has a few cracks.

I'm so glad your dog has helped ease the difficulties being there. She sounds like she is a beautiful girl.

 @-Rayne- hold on to what your son said about being glad you are his mum. That is something special to cherish. I remember the day my son said he was glad he got to grow up with me, not his dad, which meant a lot as his dad had much more to offer him.

I think from memory you are more than half way through. You are doing so well. Keep hanging on to the things that ground you. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and make some memories with your children. It's great that you have opened up to them a bit. I'm sure they are grateful too.

Lastly I wanted to say that I apologise for not always using language that may be more respectful to you. It is out of ignorance and I don't know what is appropriate. I am talking in regards of I/we. I am happy to be guided by you as to what feels right to you.....recognition from me and forum members of 'we' or 'I' I guess.

I really hope you continue to hold strong. Sending best wishes. 💜😊

[-Rayne-]

 @Former-Member Don't worry about pronouns - we're not precious about them. I haven't read posts for a few days. I hope your xmas wasn't too bad. 

I'm still with the parents. 13 days to go.

My mother is really threatening my zen. I would vent here but I don't know where to even start. Every word she says, and doesn't say, every expression on her face, is irritating me. My son showed me this article about narcisstic personality disorder. It could have been her auto-biography. Everything, every single thing that she says is about her. Everything that happens is really about her - everything. Everything that anybody says is matched with a story about her or a statement that they're wrong because she always knows better, even when she's blatantly, obviously clueless. You can't ever contradict her.

It's probably more so since son showed me that article because now I'm looking for it and seeing it in everything she says and does... now and in the past. It's so hard to explain to people. She seems so nice to people who don't know her well. I've always hated that about her. She's everyone's hero and destroys her family.

I just want to get out of here. 13 more days.

Focusing on the good. My twins are getting ready to move next week. Daughter's driving hours are nearly finished. (She's probably the only person in Au who's actually doing them all). I don't mind driving with her because I can get out of the house and son comes too on long drives, so we get good time together I am grateful to be able to take time here to help them make the move and prepare for the year, which is going to be an important one for them. 

13 more days.

[Former-Member]

As someone who "went back" to a situation I feel for you.We let these people have control over us,define us,and mentally stuff us up as a consequence.At least Briar it has allowed you to clarify what you always knew but may had caused inner conflict.It sounds like in one way you are dealing with the past to help with the future of your kids.

[Former-Member]

Hey @-Rayne-. Was good to hear from you. Thinking you only have a week to go now and I really hope you are still holding on. It sounds like your kids are offering amazing support and although you are in hell you are walking through it.
I have to start driving with my number four. I taught the other three but have struggled to do this one. And yes my number three snuck through with a few hours short but he was also a better driver than me....well that's my justification.
Here's hoping you are holding on and things are ok. Take care 💜🤗

[-Rayne-]

Thanks @Former-Member and @Former-Member. I so appreciate you both keeping track of this with me. You have no idea 

We're driving back tomorrow so just one more night now. Things are pretty messed up. New sets of memories, big periods of missing time, what sounds like a riot going on in my head but is probably nothing near that bad, just lots of spaciness and confusion... and questions. We'll see how things settle when we get back I guess. I go back to work on Tuesday though so there it's going to have to resolve calmly and quietly (yeah right). 

We called our old psychologist on xmas eve. She knows we can't afford private therapy at the moment but she offered to do skype sessions with us until things stabilise. (She's in the city we used to live in so can't see her F2F). I think we said that we'd try to work it out ourselves first and then call her again if we couldn't... Maybe it will look different when we get home, and maybe I'm underestimating my crew, but right now I'm doubtful...

[Former-Member]

Think about the Skype sessions if she is someone you trust,and don't have to go through the process of explaining your life to someone else at the moment.The only advice I can give is what I try to do to keep safe,and take one day at a time.We are all doubtful when we have had a mental illness,as we feel like we fell in a big hole with no ladder..