Tillogram

[Till23]

Do you have a fire @Appleblossom ? Or do you get pre-chopped wood?

My psychologist is good but sometimes a therapy session is not enough time, it's my first one back after my trip away.

In a couple of days it will be the first anniversary of Dad's death and first full week without my dog, so it's been strange coming back to completely empty house. I have bad jet lag.

Thanks for nice pictures

[Appleblossom]

Do you have special things from your father… for memories? My father bought me a desk, which I love.

Yes,often a clinical session is not enough @Till23 we can’t squeeze all our longing, grief and questioning and life into a box. Life is too messy.

I have a gas heater, which was over 20 years old , but it needed replacement a couple months ago. I am fortunate to have secure housing. For a long time I was not really living, so I am building a life again. 

[Till23]

So is your gas fire working @Appleblossom I think it's cold in Victoria too?

We are having an east coast low here and we have been told not to leave our houses if not necessary because of gale force winds and rain. I think something broke on my house in a gust a little while ago, but it's too dark, windy and rainy to check.

[AuntGlow]

Thank you for sharing this with me @Till23 💛

What else did your psychologist say about these episodes? I think something grounding could be helpful for sure. Our drop-in line is no longer active, but you could call Beyond Blue or Blue Knot? You can always message us too. I am sure these moments are very disorienting for you... I wonder if being back home and coming back down from the whirlwind adventure you were on (and accompanied anxiety) is making you feel somewhat disconnected? What are your thoughts on this? 

haha perfect!! 

I am doing okay, I appreciate you asking. ☺️✨

[Till23]

Thanks for your response @AuntGlow I can see that you are busy (which seems to be pretty standard on the forums). Also it's getting late in the evening now - so sorry about that.

I have a dissociative subtype of cPTSD and used dissociation at time of CSA, so dissociation is known. I don't know what the trigger was today and I am very vague about the period of dissociation and I can't remember most of psych session. My psych rang me back in the afternoon to check on me, this hasn't happened before. I think it's a combination of a lot of things - first anniversary of Dad's death in a couple of days, my dog gone, so completely empty house, change of time and weather (30 degree drop in temp), coming back to reality from holiday.

Blue Knot has short hours for their line so closed. Anyhow it's not really a crisis, so I wouldn't want to waste the limited resources.

Anyhow it's late so ypu need tp be going.

Maybe chat tomorrow. I don't know if the shift hours or personnel have changed while I was away.

[Appleblossom]

Oh it’s cold down south @Till23 @I have central ducted heating, but as my son runs a lot warmer than I, and we don’t want to overuse main heater, I also use an electric bar heater just for me. Atm I have warmed nanna blanket over my lap but fingers too cold… I had heard about the storm system … good luck with it.

I first studied and encountered concept of dissociation in the 1980s. At the time I was too busy with child raising to pay it too much attention. However, after kids grow up, and as it became apparent that 3 ( dad, sis and I) of us dealt with different levels of CSA, I have reflected on it and more recent ideas of structural dissociation a lot. It is more explanatory of my father and sister, than the DSM. They sell it as a bible, but I have studied that one too, and don’t believe it. It is just a narrow minded manual for the convenience of psychiatry, and there has been a lot of argy bargy and discredited professionals behind the scenes…. If one does the research.

Anyway , I am seeing my shrink this afternoon. I see him every 2 months, more as a structural support, than for his education or insight. He repeats himself a lot, too much for his pay grade, but hasn’t been cruel or critical and essentially does his best within the limits of his profession.  I pay the gap fee, and need the stability, mostly for my son. 

[AuntGlow]

That's okay! It can get a little busy when there is just one of us, but always happy to talk with you. @Till23 

I appreciate you sharing this with me, all of these emotional triggers at once are more than understandable reasons for any disassociation that may be coming up. How are you feeling today? 

In my experience, Blue Knot aren't limited to crisis, and they understand complex trauma so well! But I understand their shorter hours can be tricky. Only ever do what feels okay for you. 💛

I am 2-10 Sunday to Wednesday and 10-6 on Thursdays now. ☺️☺️

[tyme]

Hey @Till23 , I can't say I feel I know enough about dissociation. I'm sort of aware it is a way of coping, but I don't know enough about it.

I'm open to hearing your thoughts.

[Till23]

That's ok @AuntGlow and thanks for your response. I understand the Peer Worker to ordinary members ratio is very low on forums and lower when there's just one of you!

Unfortunately, like all of the MH lines, Blue Knot is under funded so there are long wait times. I have not had good results from the line but only called them twice, once was quite a while ago and the other maybe two years ago.

I slept a lot and I'm still not on the correct time schedule yet, but I'm ok enough thanks

[Till23]

I'm glad you have heating options @Appleblossom 

I hope you had a good session with pysch this afternoon and I hope your son is going ok